What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 09:00
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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It was going to be , some day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She married twice! .
Which is a better option, a love marriage or an arranged marriage in India?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
How often do prisoners try to escape from jail/prison, and how many of them succeed?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?
I said to her
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it wasn’t much.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i lived it daily.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)